At the age of 25 I suffered from anxiety which later turned into depression. Living with anxiety is toughest as you have to live with same fear that dwell in your mind throughout the days and brings you down. During my journey to anxiety I had low self esteem and feel bad about me. It was difficult for me to control my emotion; I couldn’t c know how to behave, as my mind was full of fear. Nothing helped me out even I had two years old daughter and a loving family.
Two years back I was married to a man who knew about my past and accepted me for whoever I was. I loved him from my heart, he was so important to me and reason of happiness. My anxiety begins the time when it has to be beautiful and full of happiness. When I was two month pregnant my husband left me without informing and stopped contacting me. He just disappeared leaving me alone.
I tried to contact him in so many ways but he kept receiving my texts and did not response. At start I consider it as routine that it will be for few days and everything will be ok. But after few days instead of listening or sorting out the matter he gave me deadline that he will decide about our relation after baby’s birth.
I got tagged as crazy, manner less and mental; at that time my anxiety begins.
My pregnancy and my anxiety were going forward together. I had good and bad days together. I wanted to feel the baby, I wanted to enjoy the every moment of my pregnancy but instead of, it made me sick as I was afraid, he might divorced me. There was a fear in my mind about child health, as I was continuously depressed, yet pregnancy is the period when you need to be fresh active and healthy for baby and yourself, but I was not aware that my depression might have serious consequences on child. I was afraid about baby’s survival. No matter whatever my family told me I was unable to change or control the things.
There was no one to whom I can talk about my fear and grief, I feel ashamed to tell others what I was going through, and I couldn’t want to tell because I was afraid of their response. Throughout my pregnancy I was just passing the time that when will the baby come and he will come to see us. I was restless and was feeling sad, alone and depressed.
I was there but mentally I was not there, that was the terrible thing I experienced.
I was unable to concentrate or to make decision. I had to continue my job as I was responsible for my own basics. To everyone around me, my life seems perfect from the outside, but from inside, there was a constant battle in my mind.
Later on my anxiety turned into depression when it was time to deliver the baby he was not aware that his baby is about to come. In hospital I was alone everyone was asking about baby’s father. Ahh! It is so painful to bring a baby into world when you are already going through a lot and you are not aware that what will baby bring?
I was scared of the nights, when there was no one around me; it was horrible for me to close eyes. With a sunset it feels like my soul is also going down. It feels like I am sinking in the sea, I always wanted a hand to hold me, I pray to god to give me the courage to get me out of this, but I was unable to speak to anyone, It feels like everyone is laughing at me.
My weight increased after my baby, it also takes me to depression I was not easy with my looks or huge tummy. My mom was there with me in every situation but I could not say anything to her as inside she was also broken. I keep talking to my sister about issues and things, but I never told her that I am in depression.
So the time come which I was afraid since 8 months, when my baby girl turned 23 days old he send me divorce paper without asking my side of story, which takes me to severe kind of depression. This keeps going and I couldn’t go for assist. After sometime I started feeling presence of my baby, she distracts me from the surrounding, but I still feel empty.
I tried to cope with my depression by dressing her up and by taking her pictures; but it could not help much.
All this did not stop here when my daughter turned 2 and a half months old he contacted me and forced me to give him the baby. I just burst into tears when I found myself with another issue. I fought, I cry and I declined. He forced me and emotionally attacks me, yet another day without involving my family and without making my mind I just went to him and handed over him my daughter.
That was the toughest time of my life I compromise on everything, but when she went away from me it was unbearable, I feel a hollow in me;
I was shocked and floating in grief and hopelessness. I woke up at night and screamed. I had to go to job next day, I had not told anyone yet what had happened. I had to control myself from bursting into tears, but still I cried by hiding my face into my lap. During this phase, I was also thinking that I will do something for my baby and for me. I keep making plans and keep breaking them. Throughout my journey I was seeing a light coming from a narrow hole.
But depression had makes me weak, I feel burden and I wanted to hide myself from others. I was scared of their reaction.
Later on, I spoke up to one of my friend and she encourage me a lot, she advice me to stop thinking about which hurts me. I start feeling life again. This time was extremely difficult but I have learned many things. I have learned a little bit to deal with my emotions.
I bring myself out all of this by involving me in activities, I cook food and I love to do it, I do whatever my heart likes either its playing with kids or jumping. I buy me gifts, I spent on myself.
I talk to my sister and a friend although it was too late when I start talking to them but it helped me a lot. I stop discussing my issues. Rather I focused on blessing that I had in shape of my parents or sibling. I still missed my daughter but I have learned to live with it. I started helping others and start listening them. I told them about my experience so that they could not go through the same I have gone. I avoid going back to that year. I have support from my colleagues and family to whom I was afraid to talk but now I speak to them whenever I feel tough. The main thing that I did was to keep pushing me to live a life.
Message that I am sharing with you is do not cry over those who don’t deserve you, if they are loyal or yours they will not leave you in pain, they will not make you mad. You should love yourself first; you also have the right to live or to stay happy. At first you are important to yourself. If someone is saying we are bad or there is some problem with us that’s not we are.
One more thing I want to add is, don’t worry about the next but be ready and built strength in you to face every kind of situation. Do not be afraid of the ending but positively take it as a new beginning. Focus on self care, open up and be kind to yourself.